Are you reading this in your underwear at ten in the morning while convincing no one but yourself that those two pieces of cold pizza you’re eating contain as much fiber as the Wheaties you’ve been studiously ignoring for the past week?
If so, please don’t write in to tell me.
Instead, I would like you to go and get a job. Because, seriously man, that’s just pathetic. But with compassionate understanding that jobs are sort of hard to come by these days, I’d like to do my part to help out. And since writing is darn near all I know, I’d like to offer you Aaron’s Three Rules of Resumes, which should not be confused with Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics, lest your Roomba maul you prior to engaging in a bit of creative writing. So, without further ado:
Aaron’s first rule of resumes: Use the thesaurus, Luke.
Is your previous job title “Neurosurgeon,” “President of the United States,” or “Chairman of the Orphaned Kitten Defense Fund?” If not, it sucks and no one will hire you. Ever. Your friends will desert you, and your life will be subjected to a Saturday Night Live skit involving a van down by the river. Don’t blame me for this. Blame Subway sandwiches and their decision to re-title their sandwich makers as sandwich “artists,” thereby putting them in the same occupational pool as Donatello (the artist, not the turtle), Da Vinci, and the Bee Gees. Needless to say, immediate action is needed, and I don’t mean the swift acquisition of a $5 foot long. Come to think of it, maybe it does mean that. But after the foot long, locate your thesaurus and apply it vigorously to your resume. It isn’t hard. Data Entry becomes Statistical Recorder. Stock Boy becomes Inventory Control Specialist. Burger Cooker becomes Cardiovascular Researcher, and so on down the line. Once you’ve come up with a series of spiffy job titles, it seems only logical that the duties one ostensibly performed aspire to do those monikers justice, which brings us to our second rule.
Aaron’s second rule of resumes: Choose the verb that is right for you.
You are not living unless you are facilitating something. For example, if you worked in data entry and did nothing but, get this, enter data, it isn’t quite a fabrication to list your daily duties as “facilitated numerical movement.” Likewise, if one is a burger cooker and busy cooking burgers, it sounds so much better to say “facilitated the thermal treatment of raw animal matter for human consumption.” Admittedly, there are times when facilitating something just won’t seem to be quite enough, but never fear. The English language is blessed with an arsenal of action words that will spice up the most mundane resume. Spent the last seven years mowing lawns? If you did, you aren’t thinking hard enough. You spent the last seven years “spearheading a long-term, privately-funded environmental control effort to increase the livability of specific residential areas.” Of course, there are also some verbs one should stay away from, including but not limited to stole, looted, plundered, etc. I’m sure you all get the idea.
Aaron’s third rule of resumes: Strive to be the Patron Saint of Office Work.
Sometimes it isn’t enough to just show up and be made of awesome. No, sometimes it’s necessary to convince a potential employer that your life’s ambition extends no further than being a cog in their particular corporate machine. To that end, I give you the “Objective Statement.” Objective statements are these odd little things where one tells an employer, in a single sentence, why he or she would like to work for them. They also create a paradox because, were one honest, one would almost assuredly not get hired. The following is an honest objective statement: “I want this position in data entry so I can afford brand-name ramen, hit on your receptionist, and buy enough beer on the weekends to forget that I work in data entry.” And this, to the best of my understanding, is a proper objective statement for the same position: “Through the data entry position at your company, I hope to record truthful and accurate information on the current status of humanity and use this information to take the first tentative steps towards world harmony and ensure my eventual canonization.”
With the above instructions, one ought to be able to fabricate a resume that will put positions one is grossly unqualified for within grasp. True, one will probably feel the pangs of conscience every time they go to print a page, but what are a few years of purgatory in order to facilitate the acquisition of that dream job as an Administrative Assistant…er, I mean Office Sub-Coordinator.