At one time, I was under the distinct impression that the newspaper was reserved for hard-hitting, journalistic proclamations – the moral quandary of the war in Iraq, the implications of the impending peak oil crisis, the aftermath of the sub-prime mortgage bubble, the hunger epidemic in Africa – when, in fact, it seems the newspaper is intended as a forum for observations of the obvious. For example, did you know that buckets can be used to carry things?
Until the arrival of this week’s paper, I will admit that not much thought had been dedicated to the merits of buckets. Lest I be accused of anti-bucket bias, allow me to assure you that I, too, have employed my share of buckets. However, their innately hollow, cylindrical shape had failed to inspire within me what one might term “awe” or “boundless gratitude” – until now. Yet the bucket’s simple and underappreciated endowments did not escape a local columnist’s powers of observation. As the headline of his home maintenance advice column declares, “You just can’t beat a bucket for carrying your supplies.”
Let us applaud this courageous man for risking so much and declaring what no one else dared. Take that, nay-sayers of the Purse Proponents and Grocery Bag Brigade! Your pitiful porters of property will never surpass the prodigious portable prowess of the Almighty Bucket. Its durability and versatility is unmatched. You may argue that the bucket, despite its robustness and ability to receive countless items placed within it, lacks the organizational capacity of its carriage competitor, the purse – ha! Foiled again! As self-purported “Dale Y the Maintenance Guy” further notes, “In fact, manufacturers […] have begun making canvas bucket inserts that come complete with pockets and places to store tools and supplies.” What say you now, o anti-bucket brigands? Let the battle cry of “Dale Y the Maintenance Guy” resound, “So […] if you don’t already have a bucket, you want one.”
Stay tuned for part two in the “Virtues of the Bucket” series, wherein Dale declares that a bucket makes an excellent hat. Also be certain not to miss future editions of Dale Y as he addresses other oft-neglected issues: “Water is Wet,” “Soap Tastes Funny,” and “Chairs are for Sitting.”