I Sing the Body Snuggified

The wondrous inventions of the past century never cease to amaze.  Such innovations have put man on the moon, eradicated fatal diseases, connected cultures on opposite ends of the world, and now, thanks to the most recent brainchild of science, we can do it all while staying “snuggly warm.”  Yes, my friends, the Era of the Snuggie has dawned.  Naysayers have for eons proclaimed that it was impossible to simultaneously harvest the fields and stay warm and cozy within one’s blanky, but thankfully their negativity and bad juju was unable to tarnish the cuddly dreams of the designer of the Snuggie.

But what is this wondrous marvel of modern technology?  One part polyester elven robe, one part body bag, and multiple parts ugly, the Snuggie promises to revolutionize the blanket world (www.getsnuggie.com).  However, it seems quite sacrilegious to compare the elite Snuggie with a mere pitiful blanket, as they are as much on the same plane as peanut butter and the polio vaccine.  As the advertisement asserts, “Blankets are okay, but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside.”  Yes, Snuggies grant you the freedom of statically-charged angelic wings, while blankets are like San Quentin.

Of course, the problem with this logic is that, if one doesn’t have the physical strength or mental wherewithal to find their way out of a blanket, in all likelihood they are also not capable of dialing a phone or stringing together a coherent sentence to order your product.  A marketing plan is typically most effective when one’s identified target audience is somehow capable of expressing an interest in and purchasing what one is advertising – someone, in short, that is not being held captive by their blanky.

To be fair, once obtained, the possibilities within the Snuggie are endless: “Work the remote, read a book, use your laptop, snuggle your baby in your arms, keep your pet close at hand,” and fight the dark forces of Mordor!  One can even “stay cozy and warm at sporting events” – and be ridiculed and ostracized by the entire community.  But seriously, guys, I’m certain the fact you drag your beloved, blaze red blanky with you…everywhere…won’t cause your poker buddies to question your masculinity or your commitment to the team.  Who dictated that you couldn’t still exhibit your team spirit and stay “snuggly warm?”  Surely your rugged individualism and complete disregard for social convention more than make up for the fact you look like a 53-year-old, balding Linus.

Sadly, in addition to sports fans, this product is also responsible for robbing the elderly of their traditionally respected status as beacons of experience and wisdom.  As a recurrent subject of the Snuggie commercial, wizened, gray-haired old men somehow lose all respectability when pictured in a rocking chair imprisoned in a fuzzy, floor-length blanky while the television blares The Lawrence Welk Show.

Due to its ability to strip everyone of their innate dignity, the Snuggie truly is for anyone doing anything.  All it lacks is a trap door built into the back to facilitate elimination functions.  It features “oversized sleeves” and is “super large, so one size fits all.”  Translation: Obese muumuu wearers unite!  No longer shall ye be limited in thy fashion selections by those “house dresses” hewn from the bolts of hideous floral patterns discarded by drapery manufacturers.  Nay, now thou shalt clad thyself in the luxurious, flowing tent…er…robe of insulating polyester, guaranteed to aid in the retention of all bodily fluids.

Yes, my friends, our world as we know it shall never be the same.  The Snuggie shall be the Great Equalizer – one size fits all and humiliates all.  Whether one is an infant learning to…roll, a fat man inhaling pork ribs, a college professor imbuing future generations with knowledge of the cosmos, or an elderly housewife knitting booties for one’s decaying toy poodle, the Snuggie shall be the common uniting factor of all humanity.  The snobbery and elitism of the fashion industry shall collapse in its wake, leaving a race of equally shapeless, tri-colored blobs and removing all sources of discrimination.  The teenage hooligan shall join hands with the crotchety old man, and the whole world, in the light of this new era, shall all sit down to “enjoy a snack while staying snuggly warm.”

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