Today I stood in a ditch near the interstate just to freak motorists out. I can proudly report that I was responsible for no less than three rear end collisions and two wildly swerving elderly vehicle occupants.
Today I urinated and defecated in a vegetable patch. It is my life’s aspiration to impart, if not chronic wasting disease, indigestion.
Today I trampled a carefully manicured bed of petunias. The crunch of flowery beauty beneath my muddied hooves transported me to new heights of unparalleled ecstasy.
In sighting a party of bumbling hunters around dawn, I first made myself known to one of the nearsighted, grandfatherly members of the pathetic party masquerading in rather obvious bits of mismatched camouflage. Apparently, parading about in a jacket spattered with painted (and poorly mimicked) bits of dead oak leaves in a predominantly coniferous forest did not strike them as rather suspicious. Succeeding in exciting the elderly gent’s rather primal sensibilities, I directed my weaving path towards another doddering member of the party. A shot was fired. A foot was pierced. A well-gratified deer smirked.
Today, happening upon a tranquil suburban neighborhood that, existing on the edge of a vast metropolis, deludes itself into thinking that it is the quintessence of rustic “country living,” I stampeded through a carefully constructed pyramid of garbage sacks, thus spreading filth, disease, and disposable diapers throughout the peaceful cul-de-sac of the gated community.
Today I antagonized a leashed dog from the opposite side of a tall, chain link fence. Words cannot express the gleeful waves of emotion at watching a prodigiously drooling creature repeatedly run at full force towards one only to be jerked back with equally full force by its chain of confinement.
To further the cause animal misanthropy, I have made an alliance with the friendly, neighborhood kamikaze bunnies, who seek to halt human transportation by throwing themselves beneath the tires of the humans’ chariots. While their shared misanthropy is an endearing trait, their tactics are admittedly ineffectual. In the interests of their racial preservation, it is a good thing they breed fast.