Smokin’ Smokey

Smokey the Bear’s road to the top is a rocky one lined with the charred memories of his dark past.  In his earlier awkward years, Smokey was ridiculed for his childlike, cartoonish face, countless chins, and a gut that no shirt could contain that spilled over his single pair of pants. He hid beneath his hat and threw himself into his work, hoping that, maybe if people were distracted by the raging flames consuming their homes, they wouldn’t notice the raging fire of his shame and self loathing.

While spending quality time with the cubs, an “experiment” goes awry.  The investigation leaves many questions unanswered, but Bambi’s father ultimately takes the fall.

His home life should have been a comfort, but instead it merely fanned the flames of his discontent.  Smokey quickly wearied of the Mrs. constantly trying to keep up with the Berenstains.  She was always ranting about the beautiful home that Papa Berenstain had hewn from a tree with his bare claws.  When she wasn’t coveting Mama Berenstain’s husband, she was doting over their well-behaved children.  “They have perfect manners, never watch too much television, keep their rooms clean, and know how to manage their money.  Papa Berenstain doesn’t even have to work now that they’ve secured their latest publishing contract.  They spend all their time together as a family learning about good manners and fun crafts, and their biggest concern is Sister Berenstain’s stage fright during the school play.  Meanwhile, you’re going around the neighborhood setting fires in trash cans to ‘raise awareness’.”

In a desperate bid for attention, a morbidly obese Smokey takes out a series of newspaper and billboard ads pleading for love.

The strain on their tenuous marriage was further exacerbated as Mrs. Smokey soon tired of his insistence that, “Only you can pick up my socks,” and, “Only you can make me a sandwich.”  He began trying to spend more quality time with the cubs by teaching them how to set practice fires, but he soon had to halt the lessons when neighborhood cats began mysteriously disappearing after late night bonfires behind the Smokey family’s cabin.  The final blow to the marriage was the break-in at the Three Bears’ house.  At first, authorities suspected it was yet again the kleptomaniac, blond, obese orphan girl from down the street, but this time the perpetrator had doused the house in gasoline and threw a match in the kitchen window.  Smokey was arrested soon after the discovery of the empty bottle of Jack and telltale smoldering straw hat atop the toilet.

The early years: A crazed, vigilante Smokey “raises awareness” by “making an example” of offensive neighbors.

After the divorce, Smokey’s life plummeted in a further downward spiral.  He starting running with a local gang who terrorized campers to satisfy their leader’s inexplicable addiction to “pick-a-nick baskets.”  While the rush of power was invigorating, Smokey soon lost his taste for it as countless campers’ mangled bodies began to litter the forest floor.  Narrowly escaping arrest by Park Ranger Smith, he crashed at Winnie the Pooh’s house and spent the next year sitting on the couch in his underwear eating honey straight out of the jar.  As time wore on, Smokey began to notice that it was taking Tigger three lines of cocaine in the morning just to bounce out of bed, and that no amount of illicit substances could prevent him from referring to himself in the third person.  Tigger’s steady decline was the catalyst he needed, and Smokey took a long look in the mirror and decided it was time to rise from the ashes.

The Newly Reformed Smokin’ Smokey: Buff, Tough, and Puttin’ Out Stuff

Smokey joined the gym and the local Hon-Anon chapter.  After multiple years of therapy and a focused diet and exercise regimen, Smokey transformed from drab flab to fab, buff bear – and his rippling biceps and hairy, ripped pecs are going to kick your ash.


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