Of Kidnappings and Tiny, Benevolent Communists

Based on empirical evidence, Fraggle Rock is where Democrats go when they die. Daily sing-alongs.  A thirty-minute work week.  And an omniscient trash heap who could very well be the personification of Chicago.

The next mayor of Chicago

Or New Jersey, one supposes, but c’mon – that’s low hanging fruit.

Regardless, my daughter is fond of Fraggles, presumably because she does not yet fall into any sort of Fraggle subsidizing tax bracket.  It is for this reason my wife and I were dismayed when it appeared briefly that Netflix had ceased to stream the series and in its place left the following:

Ah the 80s…when the strength of a franchise rested on the quality of its Christmas special.

This was presumably recommended because it’s early May – you know, practically Christmas.  And because there is, in the eyes of Mother Netflix, no difference between a series about a race of tiny benevolent communists and a Christmas special starring a man who’s 78% pectoral muscle and who routinely thrusts sharp objects in the air while bellowing, “I have the power!”

Based on the last point, I’d be inclined to assume both He-Man and She-Ra are teamsters, but Eternia is definitely a Republican district.  Furthermore, I’m not entirely convinced He-Man and She-Ra aren’t the elected representatives given their vigorous exercise of second amendment rights.  And if one needs further proof that Eternia operates with relatively little government oversight, I also submit the apparent lack of indecent exposure statutes and Mr. Man’s subsequent tendency to do battle in nothing but his Fruit of the Looms.

Of course, until now, I was unaware that Mr. Man and Ms. Ra had a Christmas special at all.  Again, I suspect this is a result of their choice in apparel.  Hailing from the upper Midwest, I just naturally assumed no one goes outside in December without first using their lightsaber to hollow out a bantha.  Since neither He nor She, if I might get on a first name basis with our protagonists, appeared the parka sort, I just sort of assumed they hibernated until spring.  Leaving Skeletor, the most sensibly dressed of the lot, a well deserved opportunity to go on a ski trip.

However, this is not so.  Instead, they loose Orko upon our world.  Don’t remember Orko?  Well, PTSD will do that.

Orko: The Jar Jar Binks of Eternia

Yes.  Him.  The character with a voice like a fly next to your ear.  And what does Orko do when left to his own devices?  Near as I can figure, he is brought up on at least two charges of kidnapping and a few dozen more relating to felony child endangerment, but why don’t you be the judge?  Here’s the Netflix synopsis of He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special:

“After accidentally landing on Earth, Orko returns to Eternia with a Christmas tree and two children who explain the holiday’s meaning. Fearing the Christmas spirit could thwart his evil, Horde Prime orders Skeletor to kidnap the little Earthlings.”

Here’s a tip.  When visiting Earth, shopping for souvenirs, and spotting unattended children, the correct response is not, “Oh!  I’ll take two!  They’re small!”  Allow me to illustrate why.  Pardon me, but…Orko?  Someone is here to see you.

I hear you’ve been posing as a tiny robed elf on the internet.

Yes, Merry Christmas to you, too.  Why don’t you take a seat over there?


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