To Whom It May Concern*:

* “Whom”, in this case, refers to the gentleman who opted to open a pizza place in the exact location that previously held a pizza place and which prior to that contained yet another pizza place. 

I would like to begin with a summary of my qualifications, which won’t take long because I have none.  No doubt, given the skeptical tone indicated around the point where the asterisk was employed, you are expecting a long and weighty litany of references.  Evidence, if you will, that would attest to my ability to consume floundering business models and excrete something akin to profitability.*

*I have it on good authority that this was also the overarching design philosophy behind Windows Vista.

Nothing, however, could be further from the truth.  I am an English major, a creature whose life trajectory is sort of like one impeccably punctuated but fundamentally flawed decision still in the making.  That I feel comfortable, nay confident, enough to hop up on this here soap box in order to leisurely hector your business model ought to not just give you pause for concern but reason to panic.*

*An appropriate reaction upon encountering a computer running Windows Vista.      

To be fair, I might not have developed any interest at all in your merry little failure-in-the-making had you foresight enough not to agree to an interview with the local newspaper.  Or failing that, considered not mentioning to the interviewer that no bank in town was willing to give you a loan for your little venture.  You still seem confused as to why this was the case.  I think I can alleviate your confusion in 3.1 bullet points.

  • In the spot where your pizza parlor (P1) presently stands, there was previously a pizza parlor (P2), which closed for want of business.
  • Prior to the aforementioned previous pizza parlor (P2), there was yet another pizza parlor (P3) in the location your own pizza parlor now occupies (P1).  This parlor (P3) closed for want of business.
  • All the financial institutions you approached, unlike yourself, appear to possess some cursory amount of pattern recognition.
  • There’s also your confession to having owned a pizza place in town previously, which you “sold” – no doubt, as you tried unsuccessfully to convince the bank, because it was earning money at a rate too vast for you to spend.

In your defense, given the tenor of the interview to which you consented, there seemed to be some vague acknowledgement of the challenges of your situation.  Challenges, you insisted, that you would be able to overcome.  Your bold plan?  I quote, “Make really good sauce.”  Presumably because the last establishment’s use of glass shards and pea gravel was not drumming up the sort of repeat business they were hoping for.*

*And no doubt they were shut down because they weren’t using recycled glass. 

Even supposing your sauce is “really good,” and I’ve no doubt it will be, I propose an amateur SWOT analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats) with an emphasis on the “threats” might serve you better than more oregano.  See, here’s the rub – from the front door of your establishment, I can turn my head to the left, raise my hand, and casually wave to the Domino’s delivery driver as he exits his establishment, boards his chariot, and sallies forth with both pizza and nationwide brand recognition.  By comparison, when I see a Geo Metro toodlin’ down the road with “Al’s” written on the side, my assumption is not that there is good pizza inside so much as, like a lost dog, the vehicle has been marked so it can be returned to its rightful owner in the event a stiff breeze carries it away.*

*Or a squirrel mistakes it for an acorn and buries it.

At one point, in Monty Python’s Holy Grail, there is a lengthy treatise about building castles in a swamp only to have them sink and necessitate the building of yet another castle.  When such seems directly applicable to your business model, perhaps it merits rethinking or, at the very least, a location more than five hundred feet from Domino’s.


Rampage Productions Consulting

P.S. Your sauce is incredible.

P.P.S. That will not save you. 

P.P.P.S. Probably.


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