Anyone here remember Sister Redempta – the one who’d take a ruler to your knuckles whenever you so much as missed a comma? Well, I do. And I’m pretty certain that if she A) had access to your Facebook account and B) caught you grunting this out…
…she would have taken a 2’x4’ to your face.
Yes, the above is from Facebook, and yes, starting a sentence with a period is a uniquely bold grammatical maneuver. Also – a little English major pro tip here – there is a point where “and” ceases acting as a conjunction and instead changes into an indicator that the author has no idea where his/her sentence is going – or, for that matter, what it might do when it gets there. Also, the individual who cobbled together the above (read: took a literary number two) seems to have something of a vendetta against apostrophes when used to indicate possession (“In Jesus name”) or a contraction (“Stop what your doing”).
So yes, let’s keep this going. Specifically, let’s keep it going to the nearest grammatically inclined nun with sufficient upper body strength to take action. I will air mail the 2’x4’.
And while she’s at it, Facebook has made me aware of a couple other pictorial theological attempts that should, in the words of the Book of Fife, be good and properly nipped.
In the bud.
This next one is entitled, “Do you believe in angels?”
In my opinion, to get the full effect of the “do you believe in angels” schtick, you need to read it with a Brooklyn accent. I’m also not entirely convinced that “angels” isn’t some sort of euphemism for the mob:
“Hey! Hey, you! Benny ‘n me – we heard ‘bout those problems you’ve been havin’. An’ we jus’ came by to let you know, we’re gonna take care o’ them. We gonna take care o’ them real good. Now, just so we’re clear, we ain’ doin’ this for nothin’. Someday, and that day may never come , we might be callin’ you to do us a little favor. Know what I mean? But for now, you can jus’ fuhgeddaboudit. …So who we whackin’ again?”
Our last exhibit doesn’t so much fail the grammar test of Facebook spirituality as it does the test of logical thought.
And here are the answers:
1. We’d have sore arms.
2. We’d be late.
3. We’d be issued a tinfoil hat.
4. We’d turn some heads at the ER.
5. We’d find a way to make it play Angry Birds.
If nothing else, all of this has given me a new understanding of history. Romulus did not, in fact, slay Remus for jumping over his wall. He slayed him for posting crap like this on his wall. Not only was it the first documented homicide, it was, in the court of proper grammar (i.e., the only court that matters), the first documented justifiable homicide.