O’ to Be a Vampire Bride

In the world of Amazon literature, one would assume that works with reviews numbering in the thousands and averages of four and a half stars would be limited to immortal classics like the Bible:

Holy Bible

Or period think-pieces like Go the F**k to Sleep:

Go the F to Sleep

They are not:

Vampire Girl

Terrifying?  Maybe not.  Not until one soaks in the knowledge that a statistical majority of 1,009 people like this book a lot.  In fairness, my wife and I might be among them, though for all the wrong reasons.  So buckle up, buttercup, because here comes the plot synopsis of Vampire Girl, quoted verbatim from Amazon:

My name is Arianna Spero. I was an ordinary girl, living an ordinary life, until my mother lapsed into a coma.  Now, I am her only hope. She made a deal with the devil, and on my 18th birthday he came to collect. But there’s a way to save her. There’s something the princes of hell want more than my mother.

Me.

So I signed my soul away and promised to pick a prince to marry. I would take the blood oath, become one of them, and give them an heir. I would become a princess of hell, and my mother would live.

If ever there was a book that needed a scene where the best friend, gay or otherwise, tried to talk some sense into the protagonist, this is it. Then again, Arianna does have a sassy, transgendered waitress friend (whom she is helping save up for gender reassignment surgery… because we’re a socially aware Vampire Girl, if nothing else).  But as you can deduce, that character seems to have a lot going on in his/her life and really wasn’t available to be the voice of reason this novel so desperately needed.  This acknowledged, we’ve taken the liberty of writing a new one in and plopping them down with the protagonist for coffee.  It goes about as well as you can imagine:

“So, my mom made a deal with Satan to save my life.  You know… when I was a baby.”

“That’s so sweet!”

“I know. But now she’s all, like, experiencing eternal torment in a lake of fire, and I feel really super bad. So… I’m making a deal with Satan to get her out.”

“Wait a minute… This all started because of a pact with Satan and you want to make another pact with Satan?”

“Uh… yeah?”

“…”

“…”

“Have you, maybe, considered that part of your family’s problem is that you keep making pacts with Satan?”

“I don’t get it.”

“…Father of Lies? The Beast? The Great Betrayer? None of this is ringing a bell?”

“Are we talking about the same Satan?  He seems super nice.”

“There’s only… OK. You know what? Let’s forget about Satan for a moment. So what’s this pact you signed on for?”

“Right, so I have to marry a vampire Prince of Hell and sire an heir.”

“…Vampire prince… Wait…”

“It’s cool. I get to pick, and they’re all really hot.”

“All? How many vampire princes of hell are there?”

“Seven.”

“Seven?”

“Yeah. Seven. They’re all manifestations of, like, the seven bad things.”

“Seven deadly sins?”

“Yeah. Glutton. Lust. Avarice. Pride. Sorrow. Pride. Sloth. War.”

“…Wrath.”

“What?”

“Wrath. The sin is wrath. You can be wrathful. You can’t really be warful.”

“But he’s War. See? Says so right here.” Time and space warps around Arianna as she pulls out a copy of Vampire Bride and points out that the Vampire Hell Prince is, indeed, the manifestation of War.

“…Huh. That’s… That’s something… Anyway, look, if you’re committed to this marrying a hell prince thing, why don’t you hook up with whoever is the embodiment of Lust, get as freaky weird as you can while still being a young adult novel, and be done in an afternoon?”

“Dean.”

“What?”

“Dean. His name is Dean. The manifestation of Lust.”

“…You’re !@#$in’ me.”

“No. See?” Again, time warps as she pulls out of the book. The name “Dean, Vampire Prince of Lust” appears repeatedly. “Besides, I have to spend a month with each.”

The best friend, whose sexual orientation is entirely moot, takes a deep breath. “Alright.  I’m going to summarize what I got. Because your mom made a pact with Satan, which ended–predictably–with her in a state of eternal torment, you’re going to make another pact with Satan, which involves shacking up with seven sin-inspired vampire hell princes for a month a piece. Then, you pick one to marry.”

“Right.”

“And then earn your mother’s eternal salvation by porking said Prince of Hell and having his kid.”

“Yep! And they’ll be the next King of Hell!”

“…Who’s the current King of Hell?”

“Satan.”

“…Isn’t he immortal? How can there be a next King of Hell?”

“He’s dead.”

“…Look, I want you to know that, as your best friend of ambiguous sexual orientation, I will support you no matter what you do.”

“Thanks!”

“But I’m still not coming to your wedding.”

“Awwwww! Well, that’s cool because vampire security is probably gonna be tight anyway, what with all the murderous fairies prowling around trying to kidnap me.”

“Fairies?  Like…Tinkerbell?  How would that even work?”

“More like Tinkerbell on ‘roids.  I totally don’t know what their problem is. The hell fairy slave trade is, like, so superior to the raping and pillaging alternative.”

“How did we get on the hell fairy slave trade?”

“I dunno.  Probably because I was about to tell you I’m also the Queen of the Fairies.”

“…This seems like information that should have been front loaded…”

“It comes out at the end of book one.”  Arianna grins and does her best jazz hands, “Spoiler alert!”

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